i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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