i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
