Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
