at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
