I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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