call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think people are normalizing furries
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
