Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
