my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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