Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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