2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
