He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
