I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
