On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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