Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
