sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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