I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
