Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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