can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
