The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
