I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
