You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
