I'm going to jail i love you
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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