i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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