My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize