I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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