My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
