When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
