I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
