No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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