I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
