do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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