There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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