How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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