I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
