he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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