my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
