I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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