we're chasing vodka with high fives
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
