last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
