Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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