You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
