Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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