Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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