I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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