i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
