Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
