When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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