It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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