Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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