i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
