The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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