Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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