Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
