the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
