Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
