Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
