i think i have two assholes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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