I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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