Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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