My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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