the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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