Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
