If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
