brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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