The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
